cewitch

Persistent fatigue and depression

2009-11-10T07:48:12Z

Something is going on with my body...

I've developed two pimples...one on each butt cheek. Dark circles are haunting the underside of my eyes. And I feel tired...all the time. My neck is heavy, my head mildly painful, my shoulders are tense, and somewhere in my upper back right behind my chest, there is a feeling both disgusting and burdensome. Something is going wrong with my body, or my mind.

Why is there always one problem or another?

Perhaps I should think about what AiH suggested. Yoga in the midst of this terrible fatigue. Doesn't sound like it will help, but perhaps I should try.

The older I grow, the more I realize how incredibly incompetent I am. Not only am I unable to deal with my emotions properly, I am also totally inapt with people behaving outside my realm of understanding...If chibi is also right on this, then perhaps I am unwilling to understand/accept. My intense rationality fails me when it comes to sticky and unexplained emotions.

I need a shrink.

In hopes that the tangible merge well with the rhetoric

2009-10-16T19:18:21Z

I'm itching to write...Ah, but it's lunch time and I have to shower and study and go out...damn...

time flies sometimes.

I have restarted writing on my cutevoice blog. Inevitable, since my itch for writing combined with an insurmountable lust for unaffordable things sometimes necessitates such catharsis. Somehow, sharing what I can't have but LOVE to have is very liberating.

In any case, I really should be making better use of my time, but I struggle. After all, I have never been the kind to be able to juggle housework properly with rhetoric matters. Anyway...later...I will figure it out eventually...

About being alive

2009-09-22T23:48:51Z

Just finished Revolutionary Road on my bed and under my covers. It was a powerful show fueled with extremely believable acting. I generally hate Leonardo's guts, but I will have to take my hat off to him for this one. And of course, Kate Winslet truly delivered the story, balancing the many dimensions of her character in little details like an almost-meaningful pause, the raw depth of the look in her eyes, and even the breath that she took...

It was a strange journey that gave birth to more questions than answers (as it usually happens in most good journeys). What does being alive mean to each individual? What's the deeper reason for doing the things we do? What is love? What does it mean to be judged by society or the norm? How important is happiness? And what are we willing to give up to get it?

It's true that not everyone strives to answer these questions. Many will be content with passing each day with their efforts simply not to screw up. Good for them as they are happy with what they sow. And then there is the group of people I belong in whereby these questions are approached intellectually and never answered with the entire being. I speak from experience when I say that this second group of people will forever feel like they are trapped in an endless loop spiraling towards something meaningful but never meeting it.

With every gain, there is a risk involved. Often, the bigger the risk, the bigger the possible gain. When one devotes one's being, the entire body and the entire mind into the attempt of searching for meaning and answers, and when one risks some element of what one perceives to have, that is, sanity, stability, safety, comfort, and so on, then, there is life. One becomes alive.

I certainly ain't there yet...

雨の日

2009-09-01T17:14:54Z

今日一日ちょっと悲しい気持ちだった。。。なんでだろう？　多分雨のせいです。　実はフイブさまがそばにいないと、幸せもうれしい感情も減ってしまった．これは多分いけないですね．　やらなきゃいけない事もたくさんあるんですが、何もしたくなかった。　雨の日には本を読む事しかしたくない。　きれいな曲を聴いてながら、この雨から感じた孤独も小さくなった。

私は幸運です。だったら、もう文句なしはずです。でも人間はやっぱり卑しいです。全部ほしいです。

無業游民的感動...

2009-08-01T07:58:16Z

一首歌.一杯咖啡.一位美女的陪伴,諒解,分享.這陣子的一言難盡,短短一刻的一點就通,一化而解.

kittyrong @ 2009-07-30T12:00:00

2009-07-30T19:05:22Z

Because people hurt people and life is generally such a bitch. I struggle with resentment and grief. Add that to long-time feelings of worthlessness and not having a direction, and all there is left is an unsightly being housed in my body.

To speak cordially to the object of my resentment creates quite a bit of dissonance. Perhaps it's best to let it pass this way. All I want is to be by phil's side again soon. Beside him, I would be able to heal properly. Not a bandaid, but an elixir that adds life points. Phibu deserves the best for being so wonderful.

我的快樂 - 錦繡二重唱

2009-07-29T01:43:58Z

超瘋這首歌.唱了會哭.聽了心會搖擺不定.錦繡二重唱怎麼會唱的那麼好聽.音樂怎麼那麼動人心玄.

交響夢

2009-07-23T09:50:14Z

歌手：蘇打綠

午後時分睡得很沉
嘈雜鳥兒也全都充耳不聞
行板如歌歌裡在等
等你來和和一篇雨季解渴
雷聲鋪陳嘹亮地哼
大地與河萬物屏息這一刻

蟄睡了一世紀的下午被你驚醒
迷霧從身後穿起扣成水滴
透明的傷口漂亮的殘忍藏到土壤裡
雨的鏗鏘臨盆比夢的合奏還靜

阡陌牧車因你饒舌
雷聲如燈敲開了一年興奮
急板成歌歌落成河
河在狂奔奔擊了乾涸混沌

蟄睡了一世紀的下午被你驚醒
迷霧從身後穿起扣成水滴
透明的傷口漂亮的殘忍藏到土壤裡
雨的鏗鏘臨盆比夢的合奏還靜

埋伏了一整季的思念被你剝離
棉絮爬上了頭髮換算年齡
氣候的成長季風的回憶收進課本里
我自己來縫補我自己
修剪自己迎接你淋濕我風乾的心

雨停時分洗澈煙塵
新的花梗正期待炫耀顏色
黃昏人們敞開了家里大門
寧靜很深世界迎接你這一刻生命來了

______________________________________

好美.
除了歌手的聲音粘粘的勾住我的心玄以外,歌詞的意境通透地擴散自然生命的種種美景.即轟動又平靜的旋律捲起一把迫不可擋的思緒.原來這即是夢亦是交響曲.人生就是這麼壯觀動人.無以倫比.

Fixing a Broken Heart

2009-07-22T11:18:53Z

There was nothing to say the day she left
Just filled a suitcase full of regrets
I hailed a taxi in the rain
Looking for some place to ease the pain
Then like an answered prayer
I turned around and found you there

**
You really know where to start
Fixing a broken heart
You really know what to do
Your emotional tools can cure any fool
Whose dreams have fallen apart
Fixing a broken heart

And now I don't understand
What I'm going through
There must be a plan that led me to you
Because the hurt just disappears
In every moment that you are near
Just like an answered prayer
You make the loneliness easy to bear

** repeat

Soon the rain will stop falling, baby
And I'll forget the past
'Cause here we are at last
** repeat

------------------------------------------

這首老掉牙的歌,是我在新加坡的時候(15/16歲)就很喜歡的曲子.記得還曾經和一些好友squadmates一起唱過的一首歌.真是令人懷念的音符,正適合我這破碎的心.真希望phibu在我身邊,抱著有個依靠,靠著讓我哭個夠,哭著得到一點安慰,平靜我波動的心情,瓦解我的遺憾,和我一起創造可以嚮往的夢想,往明天邁進.多希望生命里的不如意可以任我選擇,讓我避免這般的割愛,除去他人無情的字眼和這鼓折磨人的恨意.

Inflamation

2009-07-22T10:59:31Z

Those whom I love...insidiously invade my soul...gently overtake my being...cruelly leaving only bits and pieces that torture me in their absences. Those whom I love do not stay with me forever. As with all things in life, movement defines each moment. Whether it be knownst or remains obscure, evolution leaps, bringing forth cyclical storms and unfathomable progeny. Our hearts wither and grow. Those whom we love are separate and blind to our deterministic plight. How may matters fare? Which pestilent questions attack the bed-ridden cells filled with inflamation? What shields are able to withstand the aggression of battle?

Instead of ibuprofen, a weak analgesic was sent to fight the fight. Inflamation continues its rage. Incorrigibly, a broken bag leaked, containing the garbage that humans emote. It was a fire that turned everything against everything. Chaos engulfed, pawns, melted into arable ground. In their place, a dessert grew. A small seed blossomed into bled rivers. Literary wisdom fashioned after these aqua bodies evaporated in mediation. But nothing survived. The bleak became murky, the murky became Greek. Life is but a foreign language that no one was clued in on.

- written on the night the war was suddenly lost...perhaps voluntarily, very painfully -

Everybody lies

2009-06-11T05:32:41Z

Everybody lies...

Everybody is detestable and inconsiderate...

Balance

2009-05-13T08:21:55Z

I feel annoyed...

If I have to isolate one recurring theme in my life, it would be that of balance. My tendency to see things in shades of black and white precludes all my beliefs about life and the morality that guides it. Indeed, it has colored the expectations I have of myself and of others.

I feel frustrated...

My mind knows there is nothing to be frustrated about, but the body feels. The soul spins in turmoil. For nothing at all, there is a lot of fuss.

Impatience, extremist views...

Complaints

2009-05-05T10:37:33Z

I can't quite figure it out yet, but I think complaining is an annoying thing and possibly bad.

In what way, you ask?...

Well, see, I complain a lot to phil too...never realizing what I am starting to realize now. I've always thought that complaining was harmless and a form of healthy catharsis. (Damn Freud for trying to make all emotional verbiage a positive therapeutic process). However, I felt impatient towards people who felt the need to complain endlessly about their situation. This is related to the feeling of "burnout" that crisis center volunteers feel when they allow regular callers to continue rehashing topics that may be emotionally troubling but are at this point solution-less. Most of the time, I managed to hold back my impatience and provide minimal emotional diffusing by reflecting and empathizing with what the other party is complaining about. And of course, it depends on who I am talking to. I am harsher on my brothers than I am on my friends, for example. In the end, I realize that I get exceptionally mad with the other party when they vent without being cognizant of what they are doing.

For example, most people would complain about situations as an automatic reaction. I have a system in my mind of how much of this is acceptable according to my relationship with that person. If you are my other half, you should be able to do that and I should be able to accept it and deal with it promptly. If you are family, it is fine if the automatic reaction wasn't a protracted one, but if it is long, there has to be a moderate level of awareness and responsibility. That is, you should be aware that you are using me as a sounding board and eventually take the responsibility of solving your own problems either with things you've thought of yourself or with my suggestions or neither. If you are a friend, you may complain about frivolous things anytime, I wouldn't put too much effort into responding to those. But if you went on to complain about every trigger along the way that plunge you into emotional turmoil, I ask that you understand the effect you have on me, the listener. I may be glad to help, but there is a limit. Think carefully about what you wish to get from me, or I may be forced to ask "how may I help you" eventually. In other word, I am not a reporting station or a 24-hr one-man crisis line that you can sound-off all the tumultuous happenings in your life.

Perhaps this shows years of burnout from my work and my life, but I honestly think there is a huge part of my impatience that comes from my expectation that people take responsibility of what they do, say, think, experience, feel, choose, etc. A lot of times, complaining diffuses the responsibility (I see that in my own complaints too), and we escape from having to face something difficult. You may do it once, maybe twice, but it is not a long-term solution that results in positive change. I thank those people who complained to me and triggered my impatience because now I am starting to realize the bad points of complaining, which I had thought was entirely harmless before.

Anyway, articulating my system of allowance for complaints also brings forth more questions about altruism and whether it only appears in short spurts and isolated incidents as opposed to long-term altruistic giving.

There are still tons I do not understand about this world, and all I am learning now is the polishing of my self (reduction of my weaknesses, enhancement of my strengths), and the greater acceptance of others. I still want to be useful to others, but it seems that I have become picky with what I want to give.

Oh my timorous heart

2009-03-17T08:12:45Z

These are times that will trigger the most tremulous parts of your being and push you to the edge of the cliff for choices.

o, my timorous heart...move forward bravely as you've attempted to in the past. Move forward one step at a time and do not worry about failing because you are already moving the best that you can...MOVE. SING. FLY. I command you to. Despite feeling the tremors, you shall brave on.

Thoughts

2009-03-14T16:40:30Z

Masculinity and femininity is learned.

The masculine way of leading and the feminine way of leading is acquired as well.

The masculine way is straightforward and the level of effectiveness correlates with the level of assertiveness applied. On the other hand, the feminine way works in reverse to create illusions that serves her. A masculine person may chose a feminine way to get what he wants and that may be perceived as flexible or creative. A feminine person may chose a masculine way to get what she wants and people may perceive her as a bitch or she may lose the feminine part of herself.

I’m still not sure I get it.

My response to life

2009-03-14T00:35:05Z

In trying to stay positive...I continue blogging at Unbelievable, It's Not Mine in a feverish manner, as if to avoid life as much as I can. I tend to do that with one thing or another. Honestly, my life is better than most, so I have no reason to need an escape, but alas, the proverbial man is such a weak entity, so can you blame me if I stay within my avoidant style? And yes, it does help with being positive. Anyway, while I spend too much time at Unbelievable, It's Not Mine, I'm also learning a lot about worldly things, if you can even call it that. For example, I just learned who Brigitte Bardot is, the singer of the French song in this new Miss Dior Chérie L’Eau fragrance commercial, directed by Sofia Coppola.

NYMag says:

"Coppola set the commercial — her first — to Brigitte Bardot singing “Moi Je Joue” (”Me, I Play”). The director has described it as “a charming, catchy melody, a little ‘bubble gum.’” Which is probably the last thing you would have called it in the 1960s, had you heard Bardot’s squeal. The model-actress-singer-sex kitten starts sweet, then turns edgy — not unlike Coppola’s last cinematic confection, “Marie Antoinette.” “I won, too bad / it’s what you deserved / you are my toy,” goes the second verse. “I will promise you an inferno of claws and fangs,” goes the third. The Coppola commercial ends with Bardot’s “Oh! oui, oui,” omitting her orgasmic cry. Sofia, how could you?"

If you are curious about Bardot's squel, just go search for "Moi Je Joue" on Youtube to listen to the full version. Anyway, reading about Brigitte Bardot on wiki was my entertainment for the day. How is it a woman as beautiful and talented as Bardot (and ahead of her times in many ways) would have made so many racist remarks without knowingly wanting to hurt anybody? "It is not in my character." she said, and I believe her. But she still did it, which means a colosal bubble of stupidity engulfed her when she 'incited racist hate'.

Hahahahaha...It's really quite funny. And I really do think that it's ok to laugh at these things. Yes, her remarks were racist and wrong, and she has gotten the punishment she deserves. So, it is ok to say now, that it was merely a lack of understanding on her part, and that she just didn't realize a number of things, including the fact that her words can hurt people...

People are stupid like that. Me included. I hope people will continue to execute the right manner of doing things, and at the same time, imbue a sense of lightness in their view of life, of people, and of the world. <Reminds me of the book "The incredible lightness of being">

P.S. my brother started blogging regularly since a few months ago too. The quality of his posts has improved to the point where I am actually learning lots from it. And you know how hard it is to admit it when your sibling outshadows you...hahaha...So I'm telling the truth. He can be found at Evolution Paradise. He comments on economy, politics, random interesting stuff, comedies, and basketball. Also, his creative writing (and mushy poems) is quite the spectacle for those of you who can appreciate a puke-worthy mush. LOL

天下有情人 - 十年不厭的歌曲

2009-02-05T21:40:41Z

（"神雕侠侣"主题曲）
　作曲：周华健作词：林夕编曲：洪敬尧

　【合】爱怎么做怎么错怎么看怎么难怎么教人死生相随
爱是一种不能说只能尝的滋味试过以后不醉不归
等到红颜憔悴它却依然如此完美
等到什么时候我们才能够体会

爱是一朵六月天飘下来的雪花还没结果已经枯萎
爱是一滴擦不干烧不完的眼泪还没凝固已经成灰
等到情丝吐尽它才出现那一回
等到红尘残碎它才让人双宿双飞

啊～
有谁懂得个中滋味

【周】爱是迷迷糊糊天地初开的时候那已经盛放的玫瑰
【齐】爱是踏破红尘望穿秋水只因为爱过的人不说后悔
【周】爱是一生一世一次一次的轮回不管在东南和西北
【齐】爱是一段一段一丝一丝的是非【合】教有情人再不能够说再会

The emotional uses of a budget

2009-01-13T11:12:02Z

Undoubtedly, having a budget for expenditures is a financially sound move. Not only does it ensure that one would not spend beyond one's means, it also encourage a responsible, research-based approach to spending. This is a well-known fact and I can have nothing more to add to the subject. However, the emotional uses of a budget is less talked about and is as important, if not more, than its practice uses.

From a psychological point of view, spending is often not as simple as keeping within pre-determined limits. We spend for a wide variety of reasons ranging from need, vanity, pride, compensation, to plain habit. While it may be helpful to be aware of the reasons we shop (and buy), I argue that it is more important to just do the right thing and use a budget. A lot of people (like my former self) would rationalize that they do not need to go through the extra trouble of creating a budget and keeping to it because they spend only when they need to or whatever other valid reasons they have. While these rationalizations may have been founded in truths, here are some emotional functions of a budget that may have been missed:

(1) A budget erases guilt of spending and discourage overly misery behavior:

For someone who is the opposite of a shopaholic and spends only when it is *absolutely* necessary, making a purchase may be associated with guilty feelings. This may have started off as a functional emotion, as well as an unofficial form of budgeting, in that every time over-the-top spending occurs, a reasonable amount of guilt is experienced.

However, it is not strange to then have that guilty emotion escalate into the realm of dysfunction. For example, a well-restrained shopper may become an indecisive shopper who takes way too long to make a shopping choice, or he/she may even develop into a neurotic miser who feels that he/she did something wrong/bad simply by making a purchase (any purchase!). Having a budget would force anyone on such dysfunctional paths of escalation to reflect on their true purchase needs and a reasonable range for expenditure. In sum, this will be helpful in eliminating any sense of guilt in the moment of purchase or after.

(2) A budget reduces long stressful moments of deliberation by defining needs, priorities, and a "want" buffer. It saves time and reduces stress in the long run.

(3) A budget creates confidence in your monetary management skills, respect for yourself from yourself and others, as well as a sense of responsibility that adds to your character.

年賀状をしよう～～～

2009-01-03T08:42:48Z

お正月最後の日にたくさん年賀状をしようかな。。。

I think it's a good opportunity to connect with people again. So here I go...~~~

kittyrong @ 2008-11-02T11:47:00

2008-11-02T19:48:22Z

http://picasaweb.google.com/silvialiu/UNREALHalloweenBdayParty

kittyrong @ 2008-10-04T00:59:00

2008-10-04T08:21:29Z

Just like the way we shed hair, oil, and skin particles wherever we pass, we leave our mark on the world in a similar fashion.

Yet, just like how our hair, oil, and skin particles disintegrate and get assimilated into the earth we walk upon...our mark will eventually be lost to the eyes of surficial observers. The only comfort we can take is that the body of the Earth has taken our contribution and added it to years of knowledge and wisdom...otherwise known as history.

@_@ sigh~~~

I am depressed tonight...

My patterns

2008-09-12T07:13:41Z

It seems I'm consistently nicer to people who are not as intimate with me as the people who are extremely close to my heart (and life).

It's a very bad habit, a disheartening pattern.

Satay Sauce

2008-09-10T23:28:21Z

For Marinate:

1 Tablespoon Sweet Soy Sauce
2 tablespoons lemon lime juice
3 tablespoons Pulverized peanut
2 little spoons salt
1 little spoon black pepper
3 garlic (pulverized)
about 2 points chicken/pork

Grilling Sauce:

1 cup of peanut sauce
2 tablespoons sweet soy sauce
1 little spoon salt
2 shallot (diced)

Puzzle

2008-09-02T11:12:34Z

I do not fully understand why my way of speaking is often misconstrued as "wanting things my way" or "thinking I'm always right". First of all, everyone wants things their way, don't even try to deny it. The only difference is whether this desire is expressed openly or kept within the individual. Just because I'm expressive doesn't mean that my desire is stronger. It only means that I communicate my inner desires more fully and openly. Well, secondly, it's not about me wanting to be right. It's the fact that each of us has our own set of definitions, assumptions, expectations, etc. etc. In short, we have our own perceived reality and it's different from the next person's construed reality. This is often where conflict arises and we often need to acknowledge each other's realities and reactions to each other's realities. I do not think that I'm always right. That is just ridiculous. That would make me a saint or a robot with such high standards that I'm afraid my humanly self would be scum in comparison. I do not want to be always right because I think foolishly some times and it is very healthy to eat humble pie once in a while. So whatever is heard from me should be thought of as an attempt simply to convey my sense of reality, my POV, my values and assumptions, my mortal needs, and not an attempt to dominate or change someone. Please note that expressing a need to somebody is not equivalent to wanting to change someone. It is more accurately labeled as "a straightforward request for a certain element that is needed psychologically by the person who puts forth the request". If love is present and the same assumption that love needs work and compromise holds true for both parties, then naturally, there will be change.

I am also often accused of not listening (usually by the people closest to me). I will admit that listening to my family is infinitely more difficult than listening to my friends. I will also admit that I tend to show my straightforwardness more intensely and more frequently in front of people who are closer to me. This does not mean that I do not listen. This does not mean that I do not pick up on things. I don't understand how my loved ones can misunderstand my need for clarity and my level of intensity as an act of shutting them out/ smacking them down. I do not understand why the frustration in my voice is perceived as an attack. Why can't things be what they really are? I realize that this is part of the differences in definitions and assumptions with different people. But what about communication and respect? If I tell you what it means to me, and after acknowledging what it means to you, can't you accept what it is to me?

So, I have high standards. I actively work on my weaknesses. That is, I force myself to do things that will improve what I am weak at. Imagine the effort and energy that goes into that. I do not expect the same amount of dedication from people around me, but I wish to see the same drive to move forward, to face life and the sucky world, and certainly, to grow with me. In other words, it is still a lot to ask from people. Hey, I'm the queen of procrastination, so I understand how people get stuck in a rut. But at some point, there has to be action. If it affects me, I would like to know when the action would likely happen. In fact, it's important to me that there is some accountability. My time is precious too, I don't want to be waiting forever too.

Fine, I lack patience. This among others, are things I have to work on. I lack the ability to not sound exactly how I feel. I lack the ability to fully accept vagueness or inclarity. But look, I TRY!!! Is it unfortunate that I want 70-90% exact science when talking about science, 60-70% accuracy and comprehensiveness when people are reflecting their understanding of what I've been talking about to them, and I would love to see 30% insight...that would make me very happy. Is that really too much to ask? sigh~ probably...people are just not...like that...

they want more pictures than words in books and blogs. they are more focused on detecting non-verbal attacks than on understanding the emotion behind the speaker's words. they value the superficial much more than the deeper stuff inside. (oh and they deny that fact). their level of understanding is extremely low and they do not try to improve that. they love brand names without any true love for the quality or style the brand names stand for. they esprouts values that are trendy but that they don't believe in or carry out. they are absolutely stingy in an astounding cornucupia of ways. they don't believe in putting in time and work for their relationships. they have low tolerance for stress/pressure/conflict/negative emotions.

I'm certainly not a saint. I'm not perfect. My flaws are very human. I suffer from humanly faults like the tendency to be visually affected (and biased towards superficial beauty). I commit crimes of passion such as throwing out disrespectful, hurtful words and ugly judgments. I know I'm lacking in so many ways, and I try to work on it as best as I could. That takes a lot out of me. I never gain satisfaction. I've never accepted praise fully. I am depleted and rather destroyed inside. What else can I do?

No one that really matters (to me) would fully accept and fully understand the things I'm saying these days. Hurt is building up everywhere. Transitions are always hard, but I face it like I face any of my other weaknesses. I meet it strongly in its eyes and tackle it down with all my strength. At the same time, I hope to keep my integrity with other things. Is it too much to ask the same from people around me? I start thinking that I say too much. (iisugita). I hurt people. (hidoidatta/kitsuidatta). I have inappropriate timing and expression of emotions. (kotoba no timing ya jibun no kimochi ga machigaeta).

so it turns out, I'm either being harsh to others, or I'm being harsh to myself. The only positives in this situation is the abundance of good fundamentals. I'm blessed with great bonds. I'm surrounded by kind people (at least in the most parts). I've had really good training/knowledge, and there are no real physical threats to our lives/future. There is love and care. Hopefully, these will be enough carry us through.

What I wrote in Japan (July 08)

2008-09-02T10:13:40Z

Can't believe I'm moving away from Pheebu. I did not think the year would end. I did not want it to. Phibu and I fought a lot this year & I cried a lot too. But in the end, I love him more. The feeling inside me has grown murky with a lot more complexity and a great deal less clarity. My hear grows heavy as the distance between us grows.

Note to self: Curious about: " Does learning other languages increase phonological awareness (That is, that there are many distinctions between sounds) or...(probably not. or there would not be semi-lingual people. What's the formal definition of semi-lingualism?)