Current mood:

awake

Puzzle
I do not fully understand why my way of speaking is often misconstrued as "wanting things my way" or "thinking I'm always right". First of all, everyone wants things their way, don't even try to deny it. The only difference is whether this desire is expressed openly or kept within the individual. Just because I'm expressive doesn't mean that my desire is stronger. It only means that I communicate my inner desires more fully and openly. Well, secondly, it's not about me wanting to be right. It's the fact that each of us has our own set of definitions, assumptions, expectations, etc. etc. In short, we have our own perceived reality and it's different from the next person's construed reality. This is often where conflict arises and we often need to acknowledge each other's realities and reactions to each other's realities. I do not think that I'm always right. That is just ridiculous. That would make me a saint or a robot with such high standards that I'm afraid my humanly self would be scum in comparison. I do not want to be always right because I think foolishly some times and it is very healthy to eat humble pie once in a while. So whatever is heard from me should be thought of as an attempt simply to convey my sense of reality, my POV, my values and assumptions, my mortal needs, and not an attempt to dominate or change someone. Please note that expressing a need to somebody is not equivalent to wanting to change someone. It is more accurately labeled as "a straightforward request for a certain element that is needed psychologically by the person who puts forth the request". If love is present and the same assumption that love needs work and compromise holds true for both parties, then naturally, there will be change.

I am also often accused of not listening (usually by the people closest to me). I will admit that listening to my family is infinitely more difficult than listening to my friends. I will also admit that I tend to show my straightforwardness more intensely and more frequently in front of people who are closer to me. This does not mean that I do not listen. This does not mean that I do not pick up on things. I don't understand how my loved ones can misunderstand my need for clarity and my level of intensity as an act of shutting them out/ smacking them down. I do not understand why the frustration in my voice is perceived as an attack. Why can't things be what they really are? I realize that this is part of the differences in definitions and assumptions with different people. But what about communication and respect? If I tell you what it means to me, and after acknowledging what it means to you, can't you accept what it is to me?

So, I have high standards. I actively work on my weaknesses. That is, I force myself to do things that will improve what I am weak at. Imagine the effort and energy that goes into that. I do not expect the same amount of dedication from people around me, but I wish to see the same drive to move forward, to face life and the sucky world, and certainly, to grow with me. In other words, it is still a lot to ask from people. Hey, I'm the queen of procrastination, so I understand how people get stuck in a rut. But at some point, there has to be action. If it affects me, I would like to know when the action would likely happen. In fact, it's important to me that there is some accountability. My time is precious too, I don't want to be waiting forever too.

Fine, I lack patience. This among others, are things I have to work on. I lack the ability to not sound exactly how I feel. I lack the ability to fully accept vagueness or inclarity. But look, I TRY!!! Is it unfortunate that I want 70-90% exact science when talking about science, 60-70% accuracy and comprehensiveness when people are reflecting their understanding of what I've been talking about to them, and I would love to see 30% insight...that would make me very happy. Is that really too much to ask? sigh~ probably...people are just not...like that...

they want more pictures than words in books and blogs. they are more focused on detecting non-verbal attacks than on understanding the emotion behind the speaker's words. they value the superficial much more than the deeper stuff inside. (oh and they deny that fact). their level of understanding is extremely low and they do not try to improve that. they love brand names without any true love for the quality or style the brand names stand for. they esprouts values that are trendy but that they don't believe in or carry out. they are absolutely stingy in an astounding cornucupia of ways. they don't believe in putting in time and work for their relationships. they have low tolerance for stress/pressure/conflict/negative emotions.

I'm certainly not a saint. I'm not perfect. My flaws are very human. I suffer from humanly faults like the tendency to be visually affected (and biased towards superficial beauty). I commit crimes of passion such as throwing out disrespectful, hurtful words and ugly judgments. I know I'm lacking in so many ways, and I try to work on it as best as I could. That takes a lot out of me. I never gain satisfaction. I've never accepted praise fully. I am depleted and rather destroyed inside. What else can I do?

No one that really matters (to me) would fully accept and fully understand the things I'm saying these days. Hurt is building up everywhere. Transitions are always hard, but I face it like I face any of my other weaknesses. I meet it strongly in its eyes and tackle it down with all my strength. At the same time, I hope to keep my integrity with other things. Is it too much to ask the same from people around me? I start thinking that I say too much. (iisugita). I hurt people. (hidoidatta/kitsuidatta). I have inappropriate timing and expression of emotions. (kotoba no timing ya jibun no kimochi ga machigaeta).

so it turns out, I'm either being harsh to others, or I'm being harsh to myself. The only positives in this situation is the abundance of good fundamentals. I'm blessed with great bonds. I'm surrounded by kind people (at least in the most parts). I've had really good training/knowledge, and there are no real physical threats to our lives/future. There is love and care. Hopefully, these will be enough carry us through.